


Sonicstuck Adventure 2 Battle

by Ennui de Froid (orphan_account), Kingtrace



Category: Homestuck, Sonic the Hedgehog (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crossover, Gamzee trying to be romantic, Gen, M/M, Parody, Tavros being clueless, Tavros in full Rouge cosplay, Terezi being Terezi, egregious abuse of blue flying puppet machines, featuring the Roxy security system, the most incompetent law enforcement to ever exist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-01
Updated: 2014-01-11
Packaged: 2018-01-07 02:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1114341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Ennui%20de%20Froid, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingtrace/pseuds/Kingtrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As he was being handcuffed for the second time that day, John said absolutely nothing. For that, he would've had to pick his jaw up off the floor. If he ever got out of this mess, he was done paying taxes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Not So Iron Gate

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so before this train wreck gets underway, we’d just like to take a moment to explain what exactly this is. Basically, this story is going to follow the events of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle, with some Homestuck characters filling the rolls of our main heroes instead. There are going to be several plot alterations, but they’ll be minor at best. There will be shenanigans in abundance, and a lot of things are just going to make no sense at all. Though since this is a crack fic, that’s a given. Anyways, now that that’s out of the way, on with the show!

Dr. Vriska Serket landed her ridiculous robot leg device thing in the middle of the top secret military base. She smirked, light from the various explosions she had caused glinting off of her sunglasses. That she was wearing indoors in the dark for some reason.

"Oh my dog, there's an intruder! I mean God, lol! Anyway, you should get raddy and stuff. Ready." A very unprofessional woman's voice ordered over the intercom.

She took aim at the steel door before her, blasting through it with relative ease, taking out a few of the robotic security guards in the process.

"Holy shiv, the big door is gone! Shit, I meant shit. Oh, man, that worked soooo well! Anyway, yeah, like, good look! Lurk! Lake! Fuck it, break a leg!"

Vriska was beginning to wonder why this girl was giving all these commands, considering she had yet to encounter anything other than machines guarding this place.

* * *

After clearing through several more sections of the poorly guarded military facility, Vriska noticed that all of these doors were pretty much exactly the same, save for the different bright red numbers printed on them. She also had yet to encounter anyone that wasn't a robot.

"Okay, seriously, whoever this invader is, they are getting waaaay too close to the thong. So you need to stop them, soon if that works. OH MY GOD, thing!" The woman laughed obnoxiously at her slip of tongue "But, yeah, this is pretty serious."

Vriska cleared out yet another room, and shot down what she was fairly certain to be the last flimsy security door. Wasn't this place supposed to be important or something? One would think the government would see fit to lock it down more securely. Not that Vriska was complaining, anyway.

"So, the intruder is all the way to the end, so now we gotta bring down the blast doors! But, just in case that doesn't work, I'm breaking out the good stuff. Me and Jack and the Captain are gonna have a security beach party, so yeah, bye! Oh, wait, breach. No, wait, beach is fine. Okay, laters!"

"Hah!" Vriska laughed "What a joke. Is that all the great and powerful military has to throw at me? Booooooooring."

Vriska proceeded onto the next room. She steered her bizarre robot walker device towards what appeared to be a long hallway, only to be stopped when several sturdy looking doors began to jut out of the walls. Well, apparently she spoke too soon.

Firing her weapons at the gates before her, Vriska soon discovered that all of them were ineffective.

She was about to give up and go home, but while turning her contraption around, Vriska noticed a large missile setup in the middle of the room. It was even conveniently aimed at the doors barring her path!

Vriska activated the control terminal for the missile that probably shouldn't have even been there, by shooting at it. Which in hindsight probably wasn't a good idea. Yet somehow it worked anyway, and the missile rocketed forward, knocking down all of the doors in its path.

Well, that was certainly easier than she expected. Now to claim whatever was supposed to be guarded here.

* * *

"Soooooooo, this is the military's top secret weapon, huh? A lot smaller than I expected. Just this computer?" Vriska said out loud to no one particular as she approached what was obviously not the military's top secret weapon. "Well, whatever. Let's get this underway. Let's see, enter password huh? T-E-R-E-Z-I." Vriska unnecessarily said each letter out loud as she typed at the keyboard. "Some password…." Then, after jamming a chaos emerald into the computer for some reason, Vriska leapt into a gaping hole in the floor. Upon landing, she noticed a large container of some sort rising out up towards the ceiling.

She was momentarily shocked when she thought she saw a familiar form on top of the apparatus. "John Egbert?! What? How did you even get in here?!" Vriska yelled enraged at the individual who was clearly not John Egbert and actually looked nothing like him. He was relatively the same height as John, but somehow Dr. Vriska had missed that his color scheme was completely different. He was dressed in darker clothing, with an angry scowl on his face, uncharacteristic of her arch nemesis.

"John? My name is Karkat. Who the fuck are you with your motherfucking scrap metal hodgepodge grasshopper and your stupid ass indoor sunglasses?" the very angry young man screamed at her.

Before Vriska could answer him, she heard the sound of an alarm going off. "What?! What now?"

"Well, since you were fucking kind enough to wake me up, I'll show you my unending gratitude by granting your pathetic ass one wish. Like a fucking genie or some stupid shit," Karkat promised.

Their conversation was interrupted by the appearance of, much to Vriska's surprise, an actual person! Well, a person in a robot suit anyway.

"Just sit back and watch me wipe the floor with this jackass and his glorified overgrown tank with legs." With that, Karkat flew off with his rocket propelled shoes and into battle!

* * *

"Stop, this is your only warning!" the driver said through a speaker, clearly terrified by Karkat's rapid assault. Obviously that wasn't going to happen, but Karkat almost felt bad for him, until he remembered that this fuck was driving a two-legged tank with a machine gun attached. A few moments before impact, the man found his balls and ran full tilt, his hulking machine crashing with Karkat's thin frame. This, oddly enough, did much more damage to the armored vehicle that to the young troll, but it did knock Karkat back a few feet, landing him flat on his ass.

"Okay, that's it, you motherfucking jarheaded shitstain, I'm going to rip you apart!" Karkat growled as he stood back up, just in time to see the two legs of the tank fold into what was now a sort of small plane. There was no time to quip about it, however, as now the gun was being brought into play, destroy boxes in a straight line as it worked its way up to Karkat. In an instant, Karkat produced his twin scythes and danced around the bullets elegantly before tossing one of weapons at the muzzle of the gun, disarming it.

"Damn it!" the man screamed in horror, trying to wheel around to get away, but Karkat was far too agile and landed on the cockpit, smashing it open with the handle of his remaining weapon and then slashing at the control panel, causing the vehicle to spin out and land hard on the ground.

Wasting no time, Karkat grabbed the collar of the man and yanked him a little higher, then put the blade of his weapon up against the man's throat. "P-Please, don't! I won't hurt you, I promise!" The soldier was tearing up, and Karkat knew that there was no way he could do it.

He sighed deeply and let the man down, then slammed his sickle deep into the front the cockpit with a dramatic motion. "Stay the fuck down until we leave, and never let me see your cowardly, disgusting carcass ever again." A furious nod let Karkat know the man understood, so he hopped out of the cockpit, recovered his second weapon, and walked back to Dr. Vriska.

* * *

The impatient scientist was resting her arm on the edge of her mech, filing her nails when Karkat arrived.

"So, did you take care of it?" Vriska asked idly.

"Oh, uh yeah! I took care of the fucker. He sure as hell won't be bothering us again! Yup!" Karkat answered defensively.

"Oh reaaaaaaaally?" Vriska responded, raising an eyebrow at his obvious nervousness.

"Yeah, he's dead. Totally fucking dead. The pathetic asswipe didn't even stand a chance," Karkat continued "I was gonna bring you the poor fucker's arm, but I didn't think you'd be able to handle it."

"Well maybe I should go see for my-"

"No no, that won't be necessary!"

"Well, whatever. So, are you the government's top secret weapon that they barely attempted to guard?" Vriska asked him.

"Shut the fuck up. Just bring me more of those goddamn emeralds. I'll be waiting for your slow ass up on the space colony which I'm going to get to somehow." Karkat shouted before departing.

Well, he certainly wasn't what Vriska was expecting. Maybe that's why the place was barely secured.


	2. City Abscond

“Ah, finally!” John said as he removed his wrists from the handcuffs that had been forced on him by the government goons that had picked him up. He was fully capable of doing it earlier, but didn’t want to risk upsetting the guys that were falsely arresting him. However, now he was alone and there was no risk of discovery. That, and they were really starting to chafe and that was a pain.

He had no idea why he’d been captured, but he was convinced it was some mistake. The officers had told him that he had escaped from some place, and he knew that wasn’t true. Or he was pretty sure that wasn’t true. Maybe he did it while he was sleeping or something. Or he was brainwashed. Okay, now he was feeling pretty iffy on the whole thing. He whipped out his cell phone, scrolled through his contact list, and as soon as he found the name he was looking for, pressed the call button. When John heard the tell-tale static of connection was buzzing lightly, he started talking.

“Uh, hey, Dave?”

“Yo Egbert, what’s up?”

“Did I commit any major crimes recently?”

“Oh yeah, you and me robbed a motherfucking bank. Drove a huge ass car through the window like it was fucking Hollywood, rolled up in there with our weapons out, but nobody even tried to stop us. They were like ‘you guys look pretty sweet, just take the cash and shit-‘”

“Dave, come on, I’m serious.”

“Why is this even a question?”

“Because I’m sitting in a military plane. I just got arrested and I’m one hundred percent confident I didn’t do anything. They said some kid just escaped from somewhere and apparently that was me, but I don’t think they have the right guy and I don’t know what’s going on, like, at all.”

“Oh, dude, that blows.”

“That’s all? I know it blows, what am I supposed to do?”

“Get out and find your doppelganger, man.”

“What, like just leave? Resist arrest and all that?”

“Uh, yeah, man. There’s a guy who at least looks reasonably like you out there. Just go and find him and it’ll get fixed. You can even blame all the breaking out and shit on him later.”

“Alright, fine, I guess. I’ll catch up with you later when I’m in jail.”

“Kay, see ya.”

John sighed and closed his phone, slipping it into his pocket. He reached towards his back and produced his Pogohammer. The Heir leaned back, put his weight into his legs, and took a deep breath.

“Alright, here we go…”

* * *

 

“Sigma Alpha 2, heading due south over the city. We’re en route and everything’s a go.” The pilot spoke into his radio, signaling the all clear to the troops stationed back at the base.

“This is a control tower; we have you on radar. Report the status of the boy aboard, over.”

He nodded even though nobody could see him. “That’s a ten-four.” The pilot turned around to face the door behind him. Everything appeared to be normal, and that meant only that the door was still closed. “Cargo is secure and on boar-“

WHAM!

“What the?” The pilot said, switching the plane to autopilot and then stepping out of his chair.

THUMP WHAP BAM CRUNCH!

A slew of noises were coming from the other side of the door, like something was banging into every surface imaginable inside the small space of the aircraft. Rushing over to the door, the officer was just about to yank it open to assess the damage when the door went flying off the hinges and straight into his body, knocking him out cold and flat to the ground under the weight of the metal object.

“Whoops, sorry!” John whispered as he clutched his hammer to his chest, gingerly stepping over the body of the unconscious man. A crackling noise caught the boy’s attention, and he grabbed hold of the radio since there really wasn’t much else he felt comfortable doing in a pilotless plane. “Uh, hello?”

“Sigma Alpha 2! What the hell just happened? What was all that noise? Is the package still secure?” A man was nearly shouting into his mic on the other end of this handset, clearly concerned. With good cause, seeing as John had just severely injured the crew and possibly killed the pilot. Maybe. He was probably alright.

“Alpha 2?” Uh oh, the disembodied voice was getting suspicious now. John decided to improvise. If there was one thing he was good at doing, it was disguises and imitations.

“Yes, er,” he stopped to clear his throat, coughing loudly as he tried to sound like a voice he had never heard before. “Yes, this is the pilot of Sigmund Alpha 2 speaking. The boy, ah, package is most definitely secure and is so safe that it’s almost scary. Like, seriously, the wellness of our package is giving me goosebumps. Brrr!” John even pretended to shiver, like that would make him sound less hopelessly young.

“Yeah, you’re clearly that boy on the loose,” the voice sighed. “You know what, we’ll take care of this. Just stay put,” An unnervingly empty static sound filled the cockpit, followed by a very, very loud beeping noise and a flashing red light. John rushed over to the display and failed to understand a single thing it was trying to convey to him, at least at first glance. There was one big white dot smack in the middle of something that vaguely looked like a radar from a movie, and several little dots approaching from the front that were rapidly closing the distance.

“Okay, so if I’m the big white dot in the center, those little white dots must be, like, other planes or something. Maybe birds? Or little helicopters?” Moving his face closer to the windshield, he struggled to make out any kind of form behind the clouds. Oh, wait, there was something back there. They kind of DID look like little white dots at first, and John briefly wondered if this radar was trying to tell him he was passing through a flock of pale circles. But as they came into clearer view, they stopped looking like dots and started looking like missiles. Coming towards the plane. That he was riding in and had no idea how to steer away from things like rockets.

“Shit!”

Grabbing his hammer, John proceeded to calmly flip the fuck out. He slammed the Pogohammer into the door of the plane and sent it crashing to the ground below and sent himself into the wall directly across from it. Cursing briefly about the mechanics of his current weapon of choice, he removed himself from the dent he had made in the wall, and then peered out the door. His head spun as he saw just how far away he was from the ground, but he didn’t have time to think about that. Hooking his hammer on to his back, he jumped out of the plane and grabbed onto the wing.

“I can’t believe I’m about to do this,” John gasped as he stood on the wing and worked his hammer’s head under the wing’s metal, peeling off a small snowboard shaped chunk. He strapped it onto his shoes with small chunks of shirt and hopped to his imminent death, shortly before the missiles made impact. A large explosion roared in the air behind him as he fell, and as the ground began to grow before his eyes, John began flailing his arms out in front of himself wildly as if he expected to-

“FLY FLY FLY FLY OH MY GOD THE FUCKING GROUND IS COMING PLEASE FLY!” he shrilly screamed. Flight seemed to be evading him, as was usually the case, but his powers decided to at least help a little bit in that moment. Blue wind slowly formed underneath the makeshift snowboard, softening the landing that came soon after to the point that all John had to do was adjust his glasses and then he was fine. And also moving very fast downhill on a city street.

“I’mgonnadiesohardohfuck!” John screamed at the top of his lungs as he grinded over someone’s car, crushing the windshield into little pieces of glass beneath his weight. Bringing the breeze up under his board, he leapt from the totaled car with style and landed back on this hill. Sparks were shooting up around him, and the horrifying sound of metal on pavement was causing a ringing in his ears and a buzzing in his pants pocket. Wait, no, that must be his phone. Scared out of his wits and clearly not thinking rationally, he answered it as he narrowly avoided a car.

“Yo, John, did you deal with that whole getting arrested bullshit since we talked last? It was bother me a little bit so I decided to check up on you. Yeah, I know, I’m a motherfucking bleeding heart.” Dave’s smooth, calm sounding voice was simultaneously making John feel very relaxed and making him boil with rage, which are two very odd feelings to have mix with blind terror.

“Dave, I’m fucking snowboarding down a metropolitan street on a piece of metal and-“ John suddenly squeaked as a car veered into his path. He slammed down with the Pogohammer, shot into the air, flipped several times, and then fell unharmed a few yards away.

“You probably have a lot more shit to tell me, but first I have to say that the noise you just made probably made my week. Like, my weekly requirement of Vitamin D’aww is now booked up. I hope I don’t see a kitten or some shit, or I might overdose,” Dave chuckled, an edge of teasing in his voice. John would’ve ordinarily replied in embarrassment, but for the time being he was far too frightened to care. Fumbling for words, John tried to use Dave to lighten the mood. If he was gonna call, he was gonna be useful.

“At this point, I think the military may have a really good reason to be chasing me. I killed two cars as far as I know, and I probably caused several accidents. I’m like, public enemy number one here.” John yelled into the phone as serenely as he could muster, which was shockingly pretty serene. He had gotten into several situations like this in the past while battling his nemesis Dr. Vriska, and it was going to take a lot more than a false arrest and improvised skydiving to shake him up.

“Nah, don’t worry about it, you just livened up some guy’s day. Like, now when he goes home to Junior and the misses he can be like-“Dave suddenly forced his voice to contort into a very nasally and boring sounding man. “Oh golly gee willikers darling and lovely family, today mounted trucking John Egbert fell out of the sky and onto the station wagon! What a sight that was!” He then quickly resumed talking normally. “You can always just say that other guy did it, anyway. Speaking of which, did you find him yet?”

“Uh, no, that’s still on the list. Hold on a sec, Dave,” John muttered as he came to a good place to ditch his “board”. He pocketed his phone, reached down and undid the scraps of shirt that had served him well these past few minutes, and did a smooth roll over a fence into a park. He stood up and brushed grass and dirt from his blue pajamas, then brought his phone back up to his ear.“Okay, back, just got off the board and I am currently taking a leisurely stroll in the park.” Just as he said that, a robot landed in the park. Rolling himself up in the wind, he made an airy ball barrier and slammed himself into the droid, smashing it to bits easily. Bringing the phone back to his ear, he found Dave was talking without him for the last few seconds.

“-Like, Egbert, I don’t even know why you even bother with the whole walking thing like you’re Ma and Pa taking the kids out for a Sunday stroll or some shit. Just get out your real powers and soar like I do, that’s how the cool kid’s club rolls.”

John sighed deeply. This topic came up far too often, as far as he was concerned. “Dave, we both know I can’t fly, can we just drop it and talk about something else?”

“Yeah, alright, sorry,” For once, Dave had something on his voice that sounded like embarrassment, and John wondered if he had genuinely forgotten about his peculiar shortcoming.

“Uh, so, have you ever wondered why there are random springs just installed in the middle of what should be heavy traffic sidewalks?” John questioned as he came across one of the contraptions and rolled himself into it, springing to a high up ledge before continuing on.

“Oh yeah, the architects came up with that plan during bring your kid to work day. Would probably explain why no one ever walks on the sidewalks in the capital.  The place is so empty you’d think the government accidently forgot not to put cyanide out of the drinking water.”

John giggled. This was the reason Dave was his best bro and wingman. He was always so clever and was willing to entertain nonsense, so long as it was entertaining nonsense. “Yeah, I heard they had planned to fix that, but they all broke their necks on these orange hexagon things that are in the middle of the road,” He joked as he merrily skipped over the harrowing pillars jutting out of a huge gap in the ground.

Dave laughed for a few moments before cutting off abruptly. “Yo, John, I’m gonna head out for now. I feel like eventually I’m going to have to haul your ass out of the fire all heroically and shit, so I’m working on a little something up in here,” He tried to keep his voice as even as usually, but John couldn’t help but notice an edge of excitement. It worried him, but he decided to drop it for the time being. There’s no way it would be THAT bad, anyway.

“Alright, can’t wait to see it, then. See you later.”

“Aight, peace.”

John slipped his cellphone back into his pocket and moved forward into a very open area in the middle of town. Despite being surrounded by brightly colored shop fronts and signs, no one was here, but at least this place had good reason to be deserted. It was barricaded off from most sides. Rather hastily, too. Boxes were piled all over for some reason, and there weren’t any other odd doo-dads or robots stomping around, either. John sighed and took his hammer out. Set-ups like this usually only meant one thing and one thing only.

“Hey, shlow down for just a shec!” A jarringly cheery, feminine, and intoxicated voice boomed out of a speaker. John cupped his free hand over his eyes and squinted. Sure enough, there was a giant robot coming down into the makeshift ring. This earned a sigh from the boy as his opponent landed. Another giant metallic foe. Great.

“So, can you shurrender, peas? “ The girl who was presumably remotely controlling the mech laughed hysterically for a few moments before amending herself. “Pleashe.”

Clearly the person inside the machine was absolutely wasted. Now was as good a time as any to try to weasel out of a fight. John scratched at his chin for a few moments, feigning deep thought. During this time, he worked himself closer to the robot. “I don’t know about that, I’m not really sure that I should. Could you maybe surrender first? I think that might work out better for everyone.”

The “face” of the mech leaned in closer to the youth, as if the woman herself was really there trying to figure out John’s movements and critical consider his proposal. “I totally don’t know, liker, I’m not shupposed to do that. Like.” Inching closer to its target, the walking scrap heap seemed to be swaying much like it was drunk as well. John chalked that up to the poor eye hand coordination of the drunken controller.

Taking a few more bold steps, John found himself right next to the giant metal cuff that made up the left foot of the device. He took note of the shining guns on the strange metallic beast, slightly unnerved, but steeled himself none the less. “Well, if you really can’t…” He took a deep breath, threw all his weight into his back leg, swiveled his hips, and swung the Pogohammer as hard as he could manage.

“Hey, what the heller you doing?!” The tipsy women yelped as her weapon’s leg crumpled. She turned the body with a twist of a control stick back at her base, but the boy was not where he should have been. “What?” She panned the camera around looking for him, and when she finally found him, she was not very happy. “Uh-oh.”

The reason for her distress was a blue ball bouncing off of buildings and barricades all over the makeshift arena. Before she had time to react, her camera shook violently and the sound of metal rending apart overpowered her speakers. John had just successfully removed the other leg.

With a bit of effort, he came to a stop right in front of the wrecked mech. “I’m going to assume that you’re going to surrender now,” he spoke calmly with his arms folded over his chest, a cocky grin on his face.

“Nope.”

With the simple statement, several jets fired from the back of the metal frame, propelling the machine into the air and giving it more mobility and firepower than it ever had on the ground.

John’s jaw fell as he stood gaping in shock. As soon as he gather the mental capacity to act, he coiled up into a ball once more, but not before shouting, with great irritation and disbelief, “Why does it even HAVE legs?!”

No response from the woman behind the controls. Whatever, John didn’t expect an answer anyway. The boy bounced around the arena from box to box, and it seemed the woman behind the robot had finally gotten serious, weaving around boxes and unloading endless clips of bullets at her fast foe. John did his best to always be where the bullets worked, and with great amounts of speed, managed to make it happen until things lined up perfectly and he found himself directly beneath the hovering machine.

“Now!” he yelled to no one as he slammed the ground with his weapon, springing up into the air at supersonic speeds. John vaguely felt the frame of his target buckle and heard the telltale screeching of destroyed metal as the once formidable weapon of war was reduced to junk in one mighty blow. Still spinning in his blue breeze, he allowed it to slowly wane as he hit the ground until he came to a stop and fell flat on his back.

“Whew!” he exclaimed, clearly exhausted from the long battle. For now, things appeared to be going alright. Everything was calm, and he managed to avoid the government.

Meanwhile, however, another youth was causing much more mayhem elsewhere…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, John can’t fly and Dave can. We need it for plot purposes.


	3. Tragical Highway

_Karkat rushed through the halls of the space station, his rocket shoes audibly clanging against the metal floors. Both his mind and heart were moving at a rampant pace. He had to find her. He had to find her before it was too late. Before_ _**they** _ _did._

" _Find them before they escape!"_

_The far off words of his pursers only made Karkat quicken his pace. He didn't know who these people were, or why they were here, but it was obviously for nothing good. He had no intentions of finding out what they wanted either. Right now, he just had to focus on getting everyone out of here._

_Karkat came to the end of the corridor and stumbled over to a wall, leaning on it for support. His burning lungs gasped for air, as his eyes frantically scanned the room. He saw her almost immediately, despite the spaciousness of the area._

" _Terezi!" Karkat called out to her. She was standing in front of some sort of computer terminal, the function of which he didn't know._

" _Oh, hey Karkat. Long time no see!" The girl erupted into laughter "Geddit, because I'm-"_

" _Terezi, are you fucking kidding me?!" He grabbed at her arm tightly for emphasis._

" _Well, yes actually," She quipped, a wide grin splitting her face._

_Karkat facepalmed, pinching his brow together. "Terezi, this is not time for your stupid ass jokes. Have you seen Dr. Serket?!"_

" _Oh yeah, of course! She's over there!" Terezi exclaimed, pointing. Karkat followed her gesture to a wall, where Aranea was clearly not standing, prompting the blind girl to burst into laughter once again._

" _God damn it will you please take the fucking situation seriously?!" He snapped. Normally Karkat had more patience for the girl's antics, but considering the fact that they were being_ _ **invaded**_ _, he was getting quite short with her._

" _Oh come on Karkat, you practically walked into that one!" She replied defensively through her cackling._

" _ **Terezi**_ _,_ _ **"**_ _Karkat snapped._

" _Oh alright, alright. Lighten up. Poor blind girl can't have a little fun?" She asked, feigning offense._

" _Not when there are people trying to fucking kill us, no!" Karkat was getting ready to start dragging Terezi behind him._

" _Oh Karkat, you never change!" Terezi spoke again after finally calming down from her hysterical laughing. "Alright, we'll go look for her. But first, I need you to do something real quick for me, ok?"_

" _Terezi we don't have time!" For all he knew, whoever was after them could be mere seconds away._

" _Karkat," She said sternly, placing her other hand over his with a serious expression he'd rarely seen before._

" _...What is it?" Karkat conceded with a defeated sigh._

" _Just go stand over there," She ordered, pointing to what Karkat hoped to be the intended location. Deciding he didn't have time to question it, the irritable troll rushed over to the conspicuous red circle marking the floor._

" _What now?" He asked, turning to face her._

_Instead of answering him, Terezi pressed a series of buttons (that Karkat hoped weren't random) on the keyboard of the computer she was standing in front of when he walked in. To his surprise, Karkat found himself trapped underneath a glass pod-like device._

" _Terezi?!" He cried out to her, his voice muffled by his prison._

" _This is the right thing to do," She said with an uncharacteristic firmness._

" _Terezi, they'll kill you! Don't you see what you're doing?!" He begged, tears stinging in the corners of his eyes as he pounded on the glass walls._

" _Karkat," She began, her familiar smile spreading across her lips "I'm blind."_

* * *

"Terezi!" Karkat shouted, small tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He gasped as reality flooded back to him. He was standing on top of a suspension bridge, looking down on a swarm of squad cars, awkwardly piling underneath him. Despite his brief confusion, he still had it in him to sneer at the stupidity of the humans that called this worthless speck of dirt home. This place was truly the bottom of the galactic food chain, fit to be chewed out and digested by any number of other celestial bodies. Hell, even the convoluted mass of floating metal Karkat used to call home was a step up from Earth. But, even with the quicker witted of the cops finally training their weapons on him, he couldn't find it in himself to kill them. Not like this, at least. He was too soft, too weak. A weight in his pocket, however, reminded him of his plan. The Chaos Emeralds were not weak. They were soulless bits of rock, and all he would have to do is press a little button once everything was in place and every little stupid molecule of this wasteland would turn to space dust. It wasn't something he wanted, but he'd do it all the same. After all…

"I promised."

He leapt off of the bridge, sliding down the large wire like structure that was holding this part of the highway up. Rocketing over the police barricade, he had bounced off of the bumpers before the dimwitted law enforcers even knew that he had left the ledge. He was pretty sure that they had just started shooting at the spot he had been standing as he shot through a toll road. He laughed in spite of himself, the silliness of the whole thing finally catching up to him.

The road suddenly took a sharp loop, but it didn't slow Karkat down. He was hardly touching the ground, thanks to his handy rocket shoes. He cleanly sliced a government drone in half, and then took down another just as smoothly cut another down with his sickles. Everything was going fine up until he reached a large chasm stretching between one area and the next.

Scratching his head in irritation and confusion, he wondered if this road was meant to be a way to thin out the population of the humans in this area. No normal person could have ever gotten to this point in a vehicle, and even if they had, they'd just obviously rocket into oblivion. Shaking himself out of his thoughts, the angry troll scoured the small area for away across, and found a missile shaped object with a handle, just sitting there on the small square of land.

"What the fuck is this awkwardly placed metal thing?" He wondered aloud. Tentatively, he wrapped his hands around the handle. Nothing happened for several seconds. "Well, that was a fucking magical and exciting experience," He cursed. "Maybe if I kick it in what I assume to be an engine-" His frustrated rant was cut off by the sound of a rocket roaring to life as the tiny projectile flew across the gap, with a shrilly screaming Karkat clinging to it for dear life.

When it landed a few short seconds later, Karkat clung to the ground, convinced to never let it go. Snapping quickly into anger, he jumped up and punted the stupid flying deathtrap in the abyss. "Fly now, asshole," He muttered as he slowly walked away from it. He was all set to start running when a new problem presented itself.

A giant rolling pin with a series of bright red arrows was slowing spinning in his path. As far as he could tell, there was no way around it, and the amount of clearance underneath it would've made getting just his sickles through an impressive feat, were he inclined to show off to no one. He then caught sight of a tiny blue robot, who floated up to him, and, with the most horrible voice Karkat had ever heard, began to speak.

"Use Somersault to help you get under tight spaces!" It droned in a disgusting, sing song voice with an annoying metallic twang. Karkat glared at it, contemplating cutting it in half and being on his way. With an irritated sigh, he just decided to do what it said. He got next to the roller, balled up, and started his little flip.

"Right, so this is just gonna shoot me out like a metaphorical bullet OH GOD FUCK HELP!" He screamed in panic for the second time that day as he shot under the metal cylinder in a way that should've broken every major bone in his body, but somehow didn't. He was uncharacteristically calm as he shuffled forward, eyes widen by the disturbing turn of events.

After moving forward for awhile, he came to a completely average looking set of three bumpers, facing away from him and towards an opening in a kind of tower. He inched forward like a newborn kitten surveying its environment, his trust in this road forever destroyed. As soon as he touched the bumper, things got bad fast as he was slammed into bumper after bumper in a rapid circle. As soon as he hit the ground, he fell to his knees, vomited, and shouted "WHY ARE STUPID HUMAN ROADS SO ASS FUCKING DUMB?!"

After dragging himself through rising platforms, broken bridges, MORE rolling pins, and a spot where the wind whipped him around like it was the circle of Lust, Karkat finally came to a dead end that signaled the end of his harrowing run. "Alright, time to get out of here," He pulled out his Chaos Emerald, and was just about to warp away from the area when it hit him: All that was pointless. He could've just teleported to where he was going from the fucking bridge he had started on; he didn't have to run to a worthless alley in the middle of nowhere. "Fuck everything!" he growled, hurling the Emerald at one the buildings in his path. Apparently irate at being abandoned, the Emerald bounced back and hit Karkat square in the face, knocking him flat onto the ground and then rolling up next to his hand. Defeated, the troll simply grabbed the object and muttered "Chaos Control." Then he was gone in a flash of light.

* * *

Back in the capital, John Egbert was still catching his breath on the ground when a bright flash of light and a piercing noise rocked him from his quiet rest. He stood up with a start and stared at the odd boy standing on top of the wreckage of Bigfoot. The newcomer was a troll, much like John's friend Gamzee, but looked much more easily flustered. In fact, he looked more surprised to be here than John was to see him suddenly emerge from nowhere.

"Uh, hey, what are you doing here?" John asked, curiosity mixing with concern as he inched closer to the troll boy. "Things are getting pretty off the chain wild around here right now; this place isn't safe at all. You really should get out of here with that whoosy flashy thing you just did, if you can."

The short troll raised an eyebrow at him. "Yeah, what the fuck ever. I'm leaving, but only because in the  **very**  brief amount of time I've had the misfortune of listening to you talk, you've easily ranked as the most annoying person I've spoken to. Well, second if you count robots. So congratu-fucking-lations, I guess." He fished his Emerald out of his pocket and was just about warp out when John spoke up.

"What are you doing with that?" John said, suddenly much more serious. His eyes narrowed as he stared the boy in the eyes, causing him to blush and stop warping for just a second.

"That is literally none of your concern, and I'm not going to stick around to explain anything about this." Karkat held the gem up and prepared once again for his leave, the lights that signaled the power of the Emerald beginning to flash.

"Wait! At the very least, what's your name?" John shouted, covering his eyes to shield them from the bright pulses of power.

Karkat sneered, but decided he could give it to the boy anyway. Not like they were going to meet again or anything. "It's Karkat. Now, I'm out of patience. Chaos Control!" And just like that, he was gone, leaving John alone to process what had just happened. But not for long, as a huge division of G.U.N. troops had him completely surrounded. John yelped and then his hands shot up, but not before he pressed the call button on his phone. He just had to hope Dave had picked up and hadn't just assumed it was a butt dial.

"Alright, I surrender, G.U.N. forces. You may take me to  **jail** now, probably one of your very fortified island prisons!" John said loudly and awkwardly as he tried to dictate his situation to his friend, who better have been listening in to this call, otherwise he was screwed.

"Well, good." One of the men at the front of the army said suspiciously as he walked towards John. "We're glad you decided to come quietly, Karkat."

"Wait, what did you just say? You think I'm Karkat?" John said with a high pitched, indignant tone of voice as this information processed in his mind.

"Very funny, Karkat. I mean, come on, do you expect up to believe you have a twin brother or something?" The officer smirked as he pulled out a photo of Karkat and held it up to John. "Just like a mirror. Alright, boys, take him in."

As he was being handcuffed for the second time that day, John said absolutely nothing. For that, he would've had to pick his jaw up off the floor. If he ever got out of this, he was done paying taxes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hate this level with a burning passion. Also the GamTav we promised is just ahead, if any of you were holding out for that.


	4. PBJ Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, since this chapter does not contain a "stage" there is no title for us to try and cleverly mock.

Tavros flew absentmindedly through dense tropical foliage, his auburn wings flapping steadily. He was on his way to visit his best friend and rapping partner, Gamzee. He never really understood why his friend insisted on living in such an inconvenient location, something about his religion or line of work. He couldn't remember which. He put up with the long tedious trips regardless. It was worth it to see Gamzee. Well, in Tavros's opinion anyway.

Today his eccentric acquaintance called him over for what he deemed a "special occasion." Knowing Gamzee, that could mean anything. He did, however, insist that it was very important, and a moment that he had been waiting for 'his entire motherfuckin life.' Despite not really understanding what he meant, Tavros agreed to pay Gamzee a visit anyway. Whatever they were going to do was obviously important to him, so what kind of friend would he be to refuse?

Tavros paused his internal ramblings when he heard his phone sounding off an obnoxious rap song. He recognized the lyrics to be his ringtone for Gamzee. Fumbling through his pocket, Tavros lifted the device to his ear and answered.

"How are you on this fine miraculous day my motherfuckin' Tavbro?" Gamzee's gruff voice asked him. Tavros couldn't help but laugh a little at the familiar nickname.

"Oh, uh, you know. Same old same old." Tavros replied. "I was just on my way to uh, see you."

"Yeah, I know. This motherfucker just couldn't all up and wait to hear your voice until you arrived," Tavros blushed at the comment. His best friend was always saying things like that to him as if they were completely normal. Gamzee tended to do a lot of things that most people considered strange, so Tavros was used to it. He was long desensitized to Gamzee's behavior. Well, mostly anyway.

"Uh….thank you?" Tavros replied awkwardly "I'm uh, excited to see you too, Gamzee."

"Is my motherfucker excited about his special surprise?" Well, that wording was new. Gamzee hadn't told him that there was going to be a surprise for him specifically. The discovery did in fact make him excited.

"Surprise?" Tavros inquired into the phone.

"Yeah Tavbro," Gamzee answered "this motherfucker has special things planned for your visit. You're gonna all up and love it."

Tavros found his wings quickening at all this talk of surprises. Gamzee had certainly peaked his curiosity. "Well, I'm on my way over. Hopefully uh, I'll be there soon."

"Can't wait to see you, Tavbro," Gamzee drawled, before hanging up.

Tavros smiled in anticipation. He spent the rest of his trip pondering over what Gamzee could be planning, narrowly avoiding crashing into several unusually tall trees in his distracted state.

* * *

Tavros touched down in the arid desert ruins that Gamzee inhabited. He never really understood how his friend put up with it. He just got there and he was already sweating from the intense heat, though that may also have been from the arduous journey over.

He walked over to an uncomfortable looking stone slab and took a seat, wiping the sweat off his brow. Gamzee had more comfortable living quarters inside (somehow anyway), but Tavros didn't want to risk ruining whatever surprise the other boy was working on. The last thing he needed was his friend being upset with him after he just arrived.

After a few more minutes of sitting in the dry desert air, Tavros finally heard Gamzee emerge from behind a decorated stone door that somehow receded into the ceiling. The smiling troll stepped out of his quarters, makeup and all, dressed in his usual attire. He was carrying two boxes: a large white one wrapped haphazardly in purple ribbon, and a smaller less exciting looking boxing underneath it. Gamzee approached the other boy, evidently excited about what he was carrying.

"Sup Tavbro?" he casually greeted "How are you on this motherfuckin' miraculous day?"

"Oh, hey Gamzee! I'm uh, pretty good, I guess…" Tavros responded despite already having this conversation earlier. He really wanted to know what Gamzee had for him, but cutting to the chase felt inappropriate.

"Bitchtits wicked Tav," his friend said with a smile. He stared off into space for a while, just standing there. Holding the boxes. The ones that were nagging away at Tavros's curiosity.

The smaller troll swore he saw a tumbleweed go by before he finally spoke up. "So, uhh…." He said sheepishly, gesturing towards what his friend held before him.

"That's right Tav," Gamzee's grin somehow managed to get even wider "it's time for your motherfuckin miraculous surprise."

Tavros felt relived he didn't have to bring up the subject himself. Well, not directly anyway. "What's the occasion anyway?"

Instead of answering him, Gamzee carefully set the larger of the two containers on the ground, and extended his arm to offer Tavros the small one. "Oh, um, thanks so much!" he tried to mask his slight disappointment at being given the less exciting looking gift first.

Gamzee's eyes moved to his face expectantly, waiting to see Tavros's reaction to opening his 'surprise.' Not wanting to disappoint, Tavros carefully removed the remarkably creepy clown wrapping paper that enveloped the box, all the while wondering why Gamzee was going so far to impress him. He was fairly certain that it was not his birthday or anything of that sort.

After he finished tearing away all of the gift wrap, Tavros finally reached down to pull off the lid of the plain white box. When his eyes fell upon its contents, no amount of attempted courtesy could hide the shock and confusion that decorated Tavros's face.

"Uhhh, Gamzee?"

"I knew you'd love it. Isn't it great bro?" Gamzee was apparently completely oblivious to his friend's horrified expression.

There had to be some kind of mistake. Why would Gamzee even own something like this? Tavros didn't even know where the troll could manage to find it!

"Oh uh, yeah! I uh…love it," he answered, trying his best to sound inoffensive. He tipped the box forward, enough so that Gamzee could see its contents. When the troll only smiled lazily in response, Tavros's fears were confirmed. This really was what Gamzee intended to give him, for whatever reason.

"Motherfucker wanna try it on?" Gamzee asked, his voice filled with child-like enthusiasm.

"Oh uh, how about you show me the second gift first?" Tavros asked, dodging the question.

"Nu-uh Tav," Gamzee chided, waving a finger at him "This motherfucker wants to see his gift in action first."

Tavros could feel his stomach sink. He could only be so lucky. With a sigh, he walked with the box to behind a pillar and out of Gamzee's sight, and prepared to change. The troll was for once, thankful that they were in the middle of nowhere. After somehow managing to squeeze himself into his…..surprise, Tavros tucked his own clothing inside the box and mentally prepared himself to step out into the open.

After a lot of deep breathing, Tavros squeezed his eyes shut and took his first shaky steps out from the safety of his hiding place. His legs wobbled and shook uncomfortably, not used to his new…shoes. After nearly tripping over his own feet several times, Tavros finally made it back to Gamzee. The other boy's face lit up upon seeing him, with a smile that wasn't quite as lazy as the ones Tavros was used to seeing.

His eyes ran over the troll in front of him. Instead of his usual outfit, Tavros was now dressed in something quite different. His attire now consisted of white nearly thigh high boots, a black skintight catsuit decorated with a flamboyant hot-pink heart-shaped breastplate, and forearm length white gloves.

Tavros blushed furiously, squirming under Gamzee's leering. He shyly cleared his throat, prompting his friend to snap his gaze back to eye-level.

"You look…." Gamzee began, finally breaking what Tavros felt to be the painfully awkward silence " _miraculous_."

"Uhh….thanks?" Tavros responded to his friend's….compliment. "So um, I'll just change out of this and then we can open the second box," he suggested hopefully.

"Nah bro," Gamzee waved him off "you gotta open your motherfuckin gifts together! 'S how it works, you know?"

Tavros begrudgingly stifled his protests, figuring that the sooner he complied with Gamzee's demands the sooner he'd be out of this ridiculous get-up.

After momentarily blushing at his last thought's other implications, Tavros shook his head and regained his composure. "R-right. Well then, let's open it?  _Please?_ " Tavros pleaded. By this point he was less curious about the box and more desperate to get changed into his old clothes.

"If you say so, Tavbro." With Gamzee's approval, the Taurus walked towards the large box as quickly as he could in his new boots. Upon getting closer, Tavros couldn't help but notice just how big it actually was. Gamzee carried it with such ease earlier that he hardly noticed. The troll found his curiosity being renewed, despite his current discomfort.

"Oh wow…" Tavros looked at the gift in awe "Gamzee, what is it?" he asked, voice filled with wonder.

"Motherfucker should open it up and find out," Gamzee replied, giving the obvious answer.

Deciding he'd waited long enough, Tavros began to tug at the violet ribbon sealing the package shut. Soon enough, after enough pulling the walls of the box collapsed, revealing a brilliant and quite sizeable glowing green gem before him. The light of the stone reflected off his own eyes that looked upon it in amazement.

Tavros's jaw dropped at the sight. Gamzee was apparently pleased with his reaction, a warm smile adorning his painted face. "What do you motherfuckin think?"

"Oh..Gamzee, it's….it's beautifu- hey wait," Tavros paused "Isn't this the Master Emerald?!" He asked in disbelief.

"Yup!" Gamzee exclaimed proudly.

"Gamzee…"

"Yeah Tavbro?"

"Didn't you tell me that the Master Emerald was important?" Tavros questioned.

"It sure motherfuckin' is!" Gamzee answered.

"And isn't it your mission to protect it?" Tavros continued.

"Sounds about right." Gamzee affirmed.

"So then wh-" Tavros was about to ask his friend why he was presenting the sacred and powerful artifact of his religion to him while forcing him to wear some kind of demented lingerie, when suddenly an iron claw like object descended from above and gripped the stone.

"W-what?!" Tavros cried out as the gem was lifted off the ground.

Both trolls followed the wire of the contraption up to none other than the nefarious Dr. Vriska and one of her many ridiculous machines.

"Well well, if it isn't Gamzeeeeeeee! Thanks for the rock, clown-boy!" she taunted them, laughing shrilly.

"Ah hell no, it's that motherfucking unmiraculous spiderbitch!" Spiderbitch? Wait, did that mean this was Dr. Vriska? Well, she wasn't what Tavros was expecting when he heard about her.

"It's not a chaos emerald, but I guess I can find some use for this. Later looooooooseeeeeeeers!" she sneered at them, preparing to make off with the jewel.

"That emerald is for my motherfuckin miracle," Tavros tried to conceal his blush at this label "You best be dropping that shit!"

With an outraged look on his face, Gamzee leapt through the air with a grace Tavros didn't know he possessed. Using nothing but a bare fist, the enraged troll struck the emerald with a furious honk. The gem shattered, scattering as Gamzee landed next to his shocked companion.

"Eh, fuck it," Vriska shrugged "Not like I needed the thing anyway." She then proceeded to take off, leaving a rather satisfied Gamzee and a stunned Tavros behind.

"G-Gamzee," Tavros stammered out "Did you just….?"

"Yup!" his friend replied nonchalantly "I had to. Couldn't have that shit falling into the wrong motherfuckin' hands." Well, Tavros didn't exactly consider himself to be the right hands. "Well, let's get goin then!" Gamzee said, turning to face him.

"Huh?' Tavros asked, puzzled. "Going where?"

"To find the motherfucking emerald pieces of course!" Gamze informed him

"Gamzee, w-wait!"

"What is it Tavbro?"

"Shouldn't I change out of this outfit first?!" He hardly considered these clothes to be fit for emerald hunting. Or anything else for that matter.

"No time!" Gamzee answered gleefully, pulling Tavros by his gloved hand. "Aw, and this motherfucker had all kinds of nice shit planned for later. It would've been all romantic, with motherfucking candles and everything."

Tavros was too busy being dragged away to even begin to question what Gamzee was talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes Tavros is in a Rouge the Bat costume. Yes we're insane. No we aren't sorry.


End file.
